Bisexuality: My Story.

I told you that I was going to do some posts about sexuality on here now and then. As a married man who is still coming to terms with his bisexuality. So, I've wanted to write a post addressing the matter for awhile.

Anyway, I have always been attracted to men as well as women. It's just that growing up in a very traditional, conservative, Christian household I wasn't allowed much freedom to explore my sexuality. Shit, even masturbation was taboo; an act that would barrel you straight down to hell in my family. So I learned at an early age to suppress sexual desires of all kinds--let alone thoughts about another guy. Still, it's hard to keep a young, horny, teen-age boy away from his constant, demanding and intimidating erection!! So, I allowed myself to masturbate but not without some serious guilt behind it. Those sessions of young, pent up, raging, hormones were always tainted (partially ruined as well) by my parents voice in my head reminding myself that "God was watching." Upon thinking about "God" watching me I remember feeling a bit uncomfortable with such a concept because it was drilled into my mind to not let adults see your private parts.

I ended up straying from the morals of my parents in junior high and high school. I often found myself up late at night at sleep overs with a guy friend watching soft-core porn on cable t.v. I vividly remember trying to find a way to masturbate with my buddy to the movie. We'd talk about how sexy the women looked in the movies but never whipped it out and went for it (SIDE NOTE: Not all guys who masturbate together are gay or bisexual but many are).

He seemed conflicted in his eyes but not for long because he just said he was tired and that was that. I fell asleep dreaming about mutual masturbation with him. I finally got near to masturbating with another kid while watching dirty movies in my basement but my parents broke it up by yelling downstairs to us that it was dinner time; and that meant "Eddy" had to leave. Up until this point my brother and I had been masturbating in secret with each other while watching porn movies that I borrowed from friends. It wasn't something I considered incest because we were nearly the same age. We were just two horny boys trying to figure out their sexuality. For my brother I think it was simply a way to "cum" without getting in trouble with the parents by having actual sex--and with a girl. For me though it was very arousing because they fulfilled my fantasies of masturbating with another guy. We went as far as oral sex on each other but our fun ended when my young, guilt-ridden conscience went to my parents and confessed. I still feel bad for that because my older brother got in trouble for it. Sorry bro, I was a confused kid at the time.

By then I was in high school and started focusing on girls again. I dated a few girls and had some pretty amazing and wild sexual experiences with them but I still would have thoughts of guys. However, I'd always "delete" them from my mind when they arose because I was worried if I encouraged them that I'd be sent to "hell." Now, I'd be sent to "hell" in that Christian tradition for having sex with girls out of wedlock too but I was always taught that gay sex was worse. So, you can understand then why I still to this day have guilt over enjoying sexual experiences with men and it's something I think I'll be working with for awhile. That church really fucked up my chances at a normal, healthy, sex life but I'm gaining it back step by step. That's what happens when you preach repressive bullshit to innocent, susceptible kids--you ruin any chance of them making decisions based on their own wishes, desires and thoughts. In the end, I went on a two year mission for that church where I was around nobody but guys--Ha!! Believe me the homosexual desires didn't go away in that environment!!

Fast forward to marrying my wife. One of the mains reasons that I married my wife was because we talked about sexuality in-depth before taking the plunge. We had a very open and honest dating life and talked extensively about what we liked and disliked, sexually speaking. It wasn't long before we both professed bisexual tendencies--we were both relieved to find that we shared a common "secret." I only say "secret" because at the time the community we lived in was still very much in the cloth of that rigid church.

We both accepted each other for who we were and knew that our love for each other was strong enough to allow for split, sexual desires--and as of today, we've been happily married for 10+ years. Anyway, we had our time doing the swinging lifestyle, which was one of the reasons I married her. I didn't want to marry someone who was sexually too "vanilla." I wasn't going to marry (I had told myself at a young age) if I couldn't enjoy both sides of the sexual shopping aisle. We have tappered off the swinging over the last few years simply because neither of us feels our bodies are attractive enough to warrant anyone being interested in us right now. Ha!!

Some people don't understand how you can be bisexual and in a marriage. Let's forget the swinging aspect of our relationship for this part of the discussion because right now we're not swinging anyway. But this brings up an important point that bisexuals have to explain over and over. It's the concept of the "Alternating Bisexual" which by the sounds of it should be easy to understand but unfortunately for a lot of people--it's not. Anyway, I don't have space to describe the whole concept, so I'll leave you with a link to a blog that addresses it perfectly. LINK.

Anyway, that's all I have time for now but I'll be addressing my sexuality further in the days to come as I haven't really told my story on here yet. It's much more in-depth than this quick write-up but this will have to suffice for now. Anyway, (kicks the closet door open) I'm "The Green Man" and I'm a bisexual--and proud of it.

~The Green Man has Spoken~